In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $500 for a Republican’s brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they’ve actually been used.”

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

On his death bed, Tiger Woods’ father gave him some advise.

“Focus on golf. Fuck everything else.”

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve
never seen a funeral like this.. “Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

”What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of compassion and silence passed between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The woman replied, “Get in line.”

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

“The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain…”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

“Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

Snoopy's IRS Wisdom

Okay, I really don’t care who I offend on this post (Ya notice a pattern here??)  I’m Italian, and even I find it funny….  So LIGHTEN UP!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.   A different bar.

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong.

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.     A speech impediment.

Q.  Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A.     Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q.  What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A.    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’

Q.  What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.   A northern fairytale begins, …’Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins, … ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this
shit.’

Q..   Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.      Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings….
we simply continue to fly………on a broomstick…

We are flexible….

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels.. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.